Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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