Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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