i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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