I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
