you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
