I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
