I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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