I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
