i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
