My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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