My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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