On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
