so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
