i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
