Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
