Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
