I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
