I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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