i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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