i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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