I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
