her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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