Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
