You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
