I'm going to jail i love you
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
