i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
