Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
