I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
