Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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