I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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