6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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