just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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