do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
