Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
