I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
