Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
