yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
