my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
As shirtless as possible
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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