And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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