Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
