i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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