Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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