how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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