i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
