i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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