So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
