if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
