when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
