Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
