I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
