thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
